Dear friends, family & strangers alike, thanks for looking:
dəˈsərnmənt – noun (Christian Context) perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding.
There is a mystery in God’s unusual presence of carving out pathways with the slowest trickle of water that is beautiful and mystifying. If we do not take the time to sit still in these simple moments then we may miss the glory of his works. We may miss the call – our own personal burning bush moment.
“I am who I am” – He says.
There are three biblical stories I can recant by measure that play suitable roles in explaining the mind of my choice to this current period of discernment to His will.
Jonah and the Whale – Jonah 1
Peter on the Water – Matthew 14: 22-33
and, Moses and the burning bush – Exodus 3
Now, for me personally, Peter is my favorite biblical hero of sorts – besides Jesus (of course). Peters’ exuberant excitement and delight in following Jesus is a reflection of what I feel like when I’m centered in Christ; when I am living in his present resurrection.
I think most of my “spiritual awakenings” have started in honesty with the words Peter spoke as Jesus was standing on water before the disciples…
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
I, too, sink without the faith in His will to hold me above the waves. I’ve sunk so far that my life has flickered before my eyes. I was a candle extinguished and by God’s grace and love for me – reignited. Death has no hold on me.
It was in that hour between life and death that my burning bush moment first manifested itself. The white light and resounding echoed voice of “I have good things for you to do” is to this day as vivid as the haze it was presented in upon waking up 9 hours later after over dosing in a hospital room.
Unlike Moses, I didn’t question or go to set my people free – I was thankful, but I had many lessons to learn in the depths of a whale of my hidden existence as a queer christian.
I ignored God’s call and so I sunk into a different direction – resentment, oppression and utter darkness. And, there a slow trickle of God’s undying love for me slowly but surely reached through the cracks over an eight year period of decisions.
That timeframe gave me loss, love, hope, hate, evil and good in one whale of cell deep below the world of acknowledging his existence. And then He spoke…
“I am who I am – this is my name forever, the name you shall call me for generations and generations…”
The water carved a small thin line hole to my soul. I tasted the Lord and was refreshed the day I collapsed from thirst. We can truly only last so long without feeding or bearing fruit in our spirit – esp. if you know God.
This past year, the rug woven out of all my efforts to seek affirmation and love in this world was pulled from me. The small familiarity of a being I needed spoke in my spirit.
The doors of my church – my sanctuary of space – opened & I came home willingly saying ‘yes’ to Jesus. I picked up my cross, I marked my life and here I am about to take a journey my being is ablaze for …
And, this leads us to discernment.
There is nothing I’d rather do more than pull my heart out of my chest and give it to you. I want to spread the love of Jesus and the word of hope like a wildfire. My vision is anew, my life is changing and my spirit is wandering the forest of ministry.
Whether, God calls me from this seeking period is God’s will. I only ask for continued conversation, prayer and willingness to let me show up in your spaces as a gay christian, as a woman, as a follower of Christ to love you – be with you — whoever you are reading this message now.
One of my favorite gifts from God is choice. I can be anywhere – near or far from him. I know what both of those spectrums look like for me. I choose to be near.
Acts 20:24 – But my life is worth nothing to me, unless I use it to finish the work of the Lord Jesus assigned to me.
Here’s to a year of formation & fellowship with many.